Sauron's Bombshell
by Aryelweb
Summary: Sauron goes back in time the day before the Council of Elrond, and orders the GAITS to drop the bombshell which will make turn everything upside down! Frodo drools, Elrond's hyper oh, very scary. VERY OOC. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Tolkien, full stop. Except for the Great Author in the Sky, so make that a comma. Anyway, she's ONLY appearing in THIS chapter, I SWEAR IT!

And Nimpath belongs to/is thelampcow.

WARNING: CONTAINS VERY OOC CHARACTERS! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR. OH, AND SWEARING. AND DON'T FORGET BROKEN CAPS LOCK BUTTONS. THIS IS ALSO MOVIEVERSE.

Also, review if you want, but if you're considering flaming – go away, I write for my own enjoyment and not for yours. So why do I put it up on a public site? Because other people might **want** to read it. If I wrote for other people's enjoyment then I wouldn't write tasteless parodies. :) Mmkay? Good, thanks. :)

Sauron cackled evilly. Well, as much as an eyeball on fire could cackle, anyway. Eyeballs don't have mouths. So he mentally cackled. (He? Eyeballs don't… oh, wait, that's why they're called eyeballs.)

He had ordered One Mental Bombshell from the Great Author in the Sky. Hell, she had a shiny typewriter. Nimpath loved it, and was obsessed with it. Who's Nimpath, you ask? Ahh, you know who you are. Don't worry, you'll appear in volume two, since Haldir's in it… wait, Haldir's in this one. Scratch that. You'll appear later.

Now, what was this bombshell meant to do? Well, to make a short story long, the Great Eye had miraculously found a time machine, which was invisible, and, while he was collapsing in ROTK, he had travelled back in time. Didn't you wonder what the explosion was? That was him farting in the chamber. I had no idea eyeballs could fart. Anyway, the bombshell was going to turn everything except for him Upside Down, because then crazy, drooling Frodo would get REALLY addicted to the Ring, ditto Sam.

But, Sauron missed the loophole – if EVERYTHING except for him turned Upside Down, then that meant his minions would be just as dumb, and therefore be just as good a chance for Frodo to win.

Bugger.

The next morning the eyeball set fire to a couple of flying trees (the ents had had a party the night before), and then the GAITS (Great Author in the Sky) arrived there at precisely ten am, an hour late, on her puffy white cloud with her Shiny Typewriter™.

'Authors never arrive late!' The GAITS snapped. 'And neither are they early! They arrive PRECISELY when they mean to!'

Since Sauron couldn't speak (he was an eyeball, for crying out loud), he communicated telepathically. But since many people had closed minds (the GAITS being one of them), he used Palantirs. The GAITS's Palantir was purple and decorated with gold stars.

'Oh, shut up,' snapped the GAITS. 'I so did not steal that quote! Anyway, the bombshell is ready to be dropped, where shall I drop it? … Council of Elrond's in session already? Holy crap! I'd better be… tomorrow, you mean? It's in session TOMORROW? Ooooh! Is it therapy for drunk hobbits, like Alchoholics Anonymous, or even that fangirl one which some person with a stick up her ass runs, that Razor Butterfly person? There aren't any fangirls in Middle Earth, you say? By Eru, there will be after the bomb… huh? Oh, my brother had exactly the same problem! And then his pet toad – '

The narrator whacked the GAITS on the head.

'Oops!' the GAITS shook her head. The narrator was invisible, you see, so the GAITS just thought that Mt Doom was pissed at her again. It was always like this after breakups. 'Well, Sauron, I'd better go. May you rest in… wait, you're not dead? Meh. Whatever. See you later.'

So, the GAITS flew away on her puffy white cloud with her Shiny Typewriter™.

How did you like? Review if you want, (I'm not asking) but remember my thing with flamers. Trust me, you don't want to get whacked on the head with the GAITS's Shiny Typewriter™.


	2. Puffy sniffs things

Disclaimer: Ditto the first. Homer Simpson belongs to Matt Groaning, and Homer Simpson's "Doh™" belongs to Homer Simpson.

OK, I lied, the GAITS is in this one, too. **Shifty eyes** But I've got an idea with her that involves her being a girl-goes-with-fellowship. Hell, if the world turned upside down and it involved everyone except for Sauron, shouldn't the GAITS have a change of heart? BUAHAHAHAHAHAA! **Cough**

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The GAITS sat on her cloud as it hovered uncertainly over Mirkwood. 'I said Rivendell,' she muttered. 'Stupid thing, come on!'

The cloud buzzed in reply, but then set off, faster than before, unseating the GAITS in the process, who grabbed her Shiny Typewriter™ and somehow typed in, "Puffy the cloud catches the Great Author in the Sky."

And so Puffy did, but he wasn't pleased. You could tell by the buzzing.

'Oh, just go to Rivendell,' said the GAITS, lying back, but she grabbed a bit of silky fluff just in case. Her Shiny Typewriter™ followed her everywhere, so she didn't need to steady it. It would follow her off a cliff.

Sure enough, Puffy broke the sound barrier (much to the GAITS's pissed-off ness.) getting to Rivendell – but it was a good thing, because the Council of Elrond was almost over.

'I offer you my bow,' said Legolas, in the circle below.

The GAITS peered over Puffy's edge. 'Oh shit,' she said. 'Ew, corny.'

'And my sword,' said Aragorn.

'And my axe!' growled a pile of icky hair in the corner of the circle. I don't know how he found it, but Gimli always insisted it was the corner in the circle, even though circles are round.

'And my Shiny Typewriter™!' guess who?

The GAITS pushed her Shiny Typewriter™ over the edge of Puffy, and it fell off, leaving a dent in the ground below. It actually didn't float up back to her, it was _that_ surprised. The GAITS jumped off Puffy some five meters up and landed perfectly on her toes. (Do not try this at home)

'How did you do _that_?' said Frodo.

'I'm an author,' she said smoothly. 'I can do this kind of things without getting any damage whatsoever.' She stood up (she had been kneeling before. Only an idiot would jump from five meters and keep their legs straight. Even though the GAITS would survive, her knees would have been shattered, despite the fact that her legs weren't broken anyway), and then realised that the bomb would have to be dropped from Puffy. 'D'oh!' she shrieked, Homer Simpson style. 'Puffy, get down here!'

'_Puffy?_' said Elrond.

The GAITS climbed onto Puffy, and pulled her Shiny Typewriter™ after her. She then ascended ten metres.

'This,' she declared. 'Is the day your worlds will change, and not just because of the Fellowship of the Ring!' she then turned to her Shiny Typewriter™. She typed in, 'And so, a large bombshell was dropped on the council, harming none, but rendering all the world save for Sauron different. Some were just different, but many were merely psycho.'

A little hatch in Puffy the cloud's stomach opened and a bomb dropped out, and exploded in a pink mist similar to Puffy. The mist travelled fast – five seconds later it had passed the horizon and was out of sight, as well as travelling upwards, smothering the GAITS, and even the birds.

For five minutes, nobody could see anything, even when the GAITS fell off Puffy. Then the mist that was covering their eyes, though the smoke was gone, disappeared, and a random puppy said, 'Meow' then fell out of a tree and impaled itself on a hedgehog.

The GAITS blinked. 'HEY! I wanna go with the fellowship!'

'Whatever,' said Aragorn. 'Like, dude, whatever.'

'EEP!' Frodo shrieked and hid behind a tree. 'THE CLOUD OF DOOM! I KNEW it would come for me!'

Puffy looked at him, confused.

'NOOOOOOOO!' said Frodo.

'Enough with this!' roared Gandalf. 'The random girl from the sky is coming whether you like it OR NOT, Mr Frodo Baggins! Girl, what is your name?'

The GAITS bounced up and down slightly. She grinned slyly. 'I'm Author!' she squeaked. The sly look was replaced by hyperacticity.

Puffy looked very worried. Is it possible for clouds to look worried? Nonetheless it swooped down and scooped a giggling Author up. Puffy resolved to go on the fellowship as well.

'There it, like, is!' said Aragorn. 'We shall, like, dude, be, like, the Fellowship of the Shiny Typewriter™!'

'THAT'S MY LINE!' coughed Elrond. 'YOU SHALL BE THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE SHINY TYPEWRITER™!'

There was a pause.

'Wasn't it meant to be a ring?' said Author.

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MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!


End file.
